Fact Detectors Installed at the White House

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Alternative Facts) – Several fact detectors have been installed at the White House as part of an ongoing effort to make the White House a fact-free zone.

All visitors are now required to go through a fact detector before entering the White House, even school children on a White House tour. One of the kids from Virginia was reportedly turned away after giving the wrong answer to an important question: Is Trump University the best higher education institution in the world?

“So many people are trying to sneak in facts, and we don’t want that to happen,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

Acing the fact detector, however, is not a problem for politicians like House Speaker Paul Ryan, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, and Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt. They have done so well that they are now certified fact-free and exempt from future tests.

Spicer said fact detectors are being installed at several offices in the U.S. Capitol. The Trump administration will also require all government buildings to install the device.

“Four years from now, we want to be able to tell the American people that America is now fact-free,” he added.

‘Swamp’ Takes up Residence in the White House

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Washington, D.C. (Alternative Facts) –  A mysterious swamp has taken up residence in the White House.

According to a Secret Service source, the swamp has mysteriously appeared in President Donald J. Trump’s private quarters in the White House. National Park Service officials and top ecologists have been called in to conduct an inspection, and they confirmed it’s the same swamp that used to be in front of the U.S. Capitol that Trump had vowed to drain during the election campaign.

“It’s huge,” said the source. “We’re still trying to figure out how it got here.”

One of the ecologists who spoke on the condition of anonymity said there are 247 snakes and 54 crocodiles in the swamp. 

“And we believe they’re multiplying,” she said.

In a 3 a.m. Twitter rant, Trump blasted the media and denied that the mysterious swamp was the same swamp he vowed to drain.

“Fake news! SAD!” he tweeted. 

FBI Sets up Special Task Force to Document Crimes Committed by People with Tiny Hands

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Alternative Facts) – The FBI has set up a special task force to document crimes committed by people with tiny hands, according to FBI Director James Comey.

Comey said people with tiny hands are believed to be the cause of a dramatic increase in criminal activities across the country.

“We have a lot of people with tiny hands in inner cities,” Comey told reporters. “They’re making our communities less safe.”

The average American adult male and the average American adult female have an average hand size of 7.44 inches and 7 inches respectively. Anything smaller than that is considered tiny, especially if the person is tall, Comey said.

Until early this year, New York City had topped the list of American cities with the highest number of people with tiny hands. But according to a new survey conducted by the Census Bureau, Washington, D.C. has snatched the title away from New York to the mayor’s horror.

“We’re still investigating why all of a sudden our city attracts people with tiny hands,” D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we need to do something about it maybe building a wall. We don’t want to be a sanctuary city and risk losing federal funding.”

To prevent an influx of tiny hands from overseas, which will lead to even more crimes, Comey said he’s working with the Department of Homeland Security to prohibit people with tiny hands from entering the country.

Justice Department Renamed ‘No Justice Department’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Alternative Facts) The Department of Justice has been renamed the Department of No Justice to reflect its new mission, according to newly appointed Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

In an unprecedented move hailed by supporters as innovative and forward thinking, Sessions announced the name change and the replacement of all the signs at DOJ (now DONJ) offices across the country. Sessions also ordered a new design of the department’s seal. The eagle will now carry a rifle and handcuffs.

“The name change reflects our new mission going forward,” Sessions told reporters. “Political correctness has no place in this administration.”

Asked to give a few examples of how the department’s mission has changed, Sessions pointed to the travel ban for people from seven majority-Muslim countries his brainchild, the reversal of Obama’s order to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms that match their gender identities, and the reversal of Obama’s order to phase out the use of private prisons.

Sessions was especially proud of his action to bring back private prisons, which were curtailed under Obama due to a decline in the inmate population and concerns about safety and security. But under the new administration, more arrests are expected, even though Sessions doesn’t know who to arrest yet.

President Donald J. Trump praised the name change, saying the department’s new mission will include a rollback of voting rights and other civil rights.

“I’m telling you, I’m the only person on this planet who can do this!” he tweeted. “We’re gonna Make America Great Again!”

Kellyanne Conway to Lead Nigerian Scammers Association

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Alternative Facts) – After being banned from TV appearances, Counselor to President Trump Kellyanne Conway has landed a new gig as the new CEO of the Nigerian Scammers Association.

Conway was sidelined from television appearances after making multiple statements that were considered “over the top” even by the White House standards. Her last interview with MSNBC about former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was a classic example or her being “off the message,” according to sources. In that interview, she told the network that Flynn had Trump’s full confidence, but he resigned a few hours later.

Defending her statements, Conway said she was simply offering alternative facts.

Asked why she hasn’t been on television the past week, Conway said she’s simply “trying to focus on other pieces of my portfolio.”

That portfolio includes her new role as the CEO of the Nigerian Scammers Association, a leading organization for the booming industry that last year raked in $500 billion, mostly from senior scams.

“I’m excited to bring my expertise to the association,” she told reporters. “We’re thinking about expanding our business to include online dating scams in Japan, China, or even Russia. We’ve been very successful here in the United States, so naturally we want to grow.”

Despite her new gig, Conway will remain Trump’s counselor.

“I have the President’s full confidence,” she added.

Melania Accidentally Deported

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WASHINGTON,D.C. (Alternative Facts) – First Lady Melania Trump has disappeared from the White House for 72 hours, and new evidence suggests she might have been accidentally deported.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Acting Director Thomas D. Homan today confirmed that her deportation papers had been processed, but he doesn’t know exactly how or who did it.

“We’re still looking into it, but the agents might have been too eager to meet the hourly quota of deportation, so mistakes have been made,” Kelly said.

A White House source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the subject, said Melania has been located on a mountain in Slovenia, her home country. The source was not sure how the first lady got there, but speculated she might have plotted her own deportation.

“She ran away when the people who found her identified themselves as White House officials,” said the source, who is female. “Poor Melania. I would have done the same thing.”

Talking to reporters at a golf course in Maryland, President Donald J. Trump appears unaware of his wife’s disappearance.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “Maybe just another media lie, like when they lied about the size of my inauguration crowd. I’m gonna say it one more time, my inauguration crowd was the largest in history. It was huge. Humongous. I’m gonna have the National Park Service send you more photos so you can correct your reporting errors.”

‘Dreamers’ Successfully Land on Mars

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CAPE CANAVERAL (Alternative Facts) – A group of 45 children ages 2 to 8 just landed on Mars safely after being deported from earth. The kids, known as the Dreamers in the United States, were escorted onto a special NASA flight 12 hours earlier to the applause of Rep. Steve King, who personally pushed the button that sent the rocket into space.

“We are exporting the American Dream!” King excitedly told reporters after pushing the button. “Over there, they can be whatever they want to be. President, doctor, lawyer, you name it.”

But the kids looked confused as they stepped out of the rocket. Asked if they knew why they were sent to Mars, the two year old babbled “alien.”

King, a staunch supporter of the Exporting the American Dream Project, said Mars is a natural choice for this special flight as the surface “resembles the countries where the kids come from.”

“As they have no relatives there and have no idea what their countries look like, this is a perfect place for them to start over. They can explore, play, or do whatever they want,” he added.

Not to be outshone by King, President Donald J. Trump said he will set up a Trump University there to ensure the kids’ successful careers.

“I’ll give them a discount of 50%,” he said. “Not to buy their love, but they’re gonna love me. Everybody loves me. In fact, they gave me a standing ovation before they took off.”